Am I Being Selfish?

So yesterday was rather productive.

It started off with a Pampered Chef party that I was putting on with my friend, Ami, at her house, and ended by helping her get her social media set up and sorted for her new business.

I was reminded yesterday why I don’t do these at home parties very often.  They are hit or miss.  In the past I’ve been very successful with these and other times not so much.  The last party I had at my house was a Tastefully Simple party that went off really well!  This one yesterday….is it wrong of me to be so disgruntled that I have decided to not go to anyone else’s parties anymore?

I’m always the one that attends these things for other people, so why does no one attend mine?  My favorite excuse yesterday was the one where a friend (who shall remain nameless), who always expects everyone to come over to HER house/neighborhood on the other side of the city, told me that she couldn’t come because she was already scheduled to go a picnic for an association of which her husband is a member.  The picnic was at 5pm.  My party?  10:30am.  “Oh, I didn’t know it was that early.”  Needless to say, she didn’t show up.

Not anymore.  I will be more choosy what I attend from now on.  I will not just blanket attend everything I’m invited to.  It’s like picking my battles…..I must pick and choose what thing, and whose things, I’m going to attend.  And saying that makes me feel so selfish, so snobby, so antisocial, and just downright horrible and very self-serving.  But I need to re-prioritize my life and what I want to make of it.

I work two jobs – my full-time office job and my part-time job serving and bartending (which is singlehandedly paying for me trip to London this fall).  I work 5-6 days a week and some days I work anywhere from  8 to 15 hours a day between both jobs.  I like them both.  I like my coworkers at both.  And I love my regular guests at the part-time job (I’m still so relatively new at my full-time job that I don’t really know my clients yet).  I love bartending….I get paid to stand around and talk all night.  If I could make a really good living doing just that, I think I would.  But in order to do so I would have to go work at a different location, and likely a restaurant/bar that is a little more posh, etc.  Would that change my work experience?  Likely.

Anyway, I digress.  The point I was trying to make is that I don’t have much free time.  On a day or evening that I don’t work (which amounts to usually only about 3 nights a week), what I want to do is come home, have a beer or a glass of wine, and either sit and read or write.  I want to decompress and relax.  On the nights that I say, “yes I’ll come to your jewelry party” or whatever, that’s one less free evening or moment that I have to myself.  The same goes for interacting with friends.  I have some friends that I love dearly, but with whom interaction is just so taxing.  I admit that often I put my phone on silent on my “free” nights in order to accomplish what I need to (when it comes to writing especially).  Maybe I’m more selfish that I ever realized before.  Am I?

I admit I tend to be a people pleaser.  Other people pleasers out there understand my conundrum here. I don’t want to let anyone down.  I don’t want to upset anyone (I am not very confrontational…is that normal of people pleasers as well?).  But at my age I’m continually reminded that sometimes I may need to detoxify, declutter and de-dramafy (totally just made that word up) my life.  I’m not getting any younger, and I’m reminded daily that if I really want to do something, I need to do it NOW.  One friend in particular is always telling me, “Cut the cord, K.  You don’t need this drama.  You don’t need the toxic people.  They take too much energy. You have to let go.”  I know she’s right, but I just can’t do it entirely.

Either way, the point of my rambling here today is that I have come to realize that I may have to step back from my people pleasing loyalty in order to do what I want to accomplish in my life.  As I said, I helped my friend, Ami, with setting up her social media for her new real estate business yesterday.  When you have a moment, please check out her new blog, reagentami.wordpress.com.  She will definitely be posting real estate advice as well as other very interesting, insightful things. Trust me on this. I’ve known this woman 90% of my life and am so happy to call her a friend.  She is level-headed and my “voice of reason”.  I think there will be much to learn from her blog!

But working with her on her blog and other social media yesterday made me really crave blogging.  I have renewed desire to blog and write.  And I have a desire to learn more about social media and help others figure out how to make it work for their businesses, etc. And I’ve also realized that in order to do these things, I have to prioritize. I have to work at what I want to do and accomplish, and that means I will have to be dedicated, sacrifice a bit, stay motivated, and prioritize.  It doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with friends, etc. But in my mind it’s much like going to the gym.  I have to go to the gym, or in this case write, and do it first – make it the priority.  After I’ve gone to the gym/done my work and writing, I can meet up with friends . As long as I get done what I need to get done.

I hope people can understand what I’m doing and why, but I anticipate that many of them just won’t get it.  I guess what really matters at this point in my life is being true to myself and doing what I want to do instead of what others want or expect from me.

 

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13 Responses to Am I Being Selfish?

  1. RAFrenzy says:

    When I came to the valley where I live now, I had to make a decision about parties because I knew if I went to one, I’d have to go to all of them. I decided no parties. This was a tougher decision than it may appear because I like some of these products and I like people and I don’t mind going to a party every now and then. That was 16 years ago and I have not missed the parties. I’m still able to purchase the products and no one is unhappy with me because now they all know I don’t do parties. LOL

  2. RAFrenzy says:

    That was my long way of saying that no, you’re not being selfish. It’s called wisdom in knowing how to manage your time.

  3. Servetus says:

    Are you going to London in the fall? 🙂

    I don’t think you’re being selfish. Everyone has to set priorities. I also think one has phases where one is more interested in free time socializing and less. But I think the point about “I have to do this first” (to feed your soul, I infer) is a really important recognition!

    • triski says:

      I am!!! Near the end of September! Unforunately, The Crucible closes the week before I get there 😦 But we will be going to see Richard III with Martin Freeman, so that will have to do!

      I feel guilty doing “my own thing”. But at my age, if I want to do anything to accomplish my “dreams” or reach the goals I have, I have to compromise and sacrifice some things.

      • Servetus says:

        that’s it, in the end. When my mother died, I thought about her age, my aunt’s age when she died, my grandfather’s age when he died (we are not a long lived family) and I thought, really, if I knew for sure that was all the time left I *sure* would not be doing what I am doing now. There is only so much time.

      • triski says:

        Exactly. I feel I’m having a bit of a MidLife Crisis actually. I changed jobs last year to try and get out of the insurance industry. I ultimately left that job and went back into insurance but with considerable pay raise. I reality, I’ve realized I need to really “live”. Unfortunately I have to work. lol But I’m determined to do what I want which includes a LOT of international traveling. If only I could find a way to affordably work overseas I would at this point. Maybe I need to check into jobs a Lloyd’s while in London? 😉

  4. mersguy says:

    I don’t think for a moment you are being selfish.
    Some people just don’t get that with working 2 jobs free time is precious.
    You come to a stage in life when you have to do what it right for you, just you.
    Its not easy to say no to people, but for your own sanity you have to be brave and yes “cut the cord”

  5. mersguy says:

    ☺☺☺☺☺

  6. RAFrenzy says:

    I think the obstacle is more the idea of saying no and thinking about the possible responses from others than actually saying no. Once it’s done and stuck to without any guilt, people seem to get in line with it.

    It took me a lot of years to realize that’s how a no is conveyed, but I’m thankful I finally did, or I would have run myself nuts. Actually, I did run myself nuts from not saying no, but that’s another conversation.

  7. amitevis says:

    I love seeing that you’re going through this journey…only because I’ve been thinking this all along. It is hard to cut the cord, yes. And maybe you don’t need to cut it completely, just let the slack out even more. Priorities yes. You’ll be fine. And your heart is so big that there’s room for all of it. Just make sure you’re true to yourself first. That’s not selfish. Feed yourself first, then you will have the energy to feed others.

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