Decisions Made……

“Have a seat and he will be in with you shortly.” She closes the door while I sit gingerly in the chair on the far side of the table.  Pictures adorn the walls – pictures of families, framed with notes and signatures on the matting.  Fathers, mothers, children at various ages.  All thanking this person for what he did for each of these families.

The glass-topped table is strewn with random papers and pictures from various surgeries that he has performed.  I can’t figure out what exactly the pictures are of, but I can narrow the choices down to a small number of internal organs.

I lean back in the chair and attempt to get as comfortable as possible. My most recent procedure has left me in a most uncomfortable state that I’m hoping will be gone by tomorrow.

The door opens and the doctor enters, his usual large smile adorning his face.  He shakes my hand, his large hand making mine look smaller than it really is.  I don’t stand up to shake his hand, partly because I am lazy, and partly because I have no desire to move, knowing it will be uncomfortable.

“Well, we have the results of your ultrasound and it looks like our options are limited.”I can only think, wow, that was quick.  I just had the ultrasound.  Although it was a good 15 – 20 minutes before I was ready to get up and leave the exam room.

“…we would need to perform an open procedure and there will be quite a bit of reconstruction needed.” I tune in partway through his explanation.  Somehow I know this would be the verdict.  At this point I still have a huge decision to make.

“I also have the results from your blood work.” He puts a chart of sorts on the table in front of me.  “Based on your age and the blood work that we did, you can see here,” he traces the line linking my age and the levels from my blood work, “that you only have really about a 10% chance…..”

This changes things.  My decision is basically made without me having to make it.  Why bother trying to save something if I don’t NEED it and I’m not going to use it?  At least I had never planned to intentionally use it.  If it happened, it happened.  I just never thought I would have to face the loss of it at this age.  I thank the doctor, rise slowly from my chair, shake his hand and walk gingerly out of the office and to my car where I give my husband, Sparky, a call.  The conversation starts off fine, but within 2 minutes I’m crying.  “It’ll be okay,” he tells me.  “At least we know what’s wrong and we know what has to be done.  I still love you.”

I hang up, start the car and drive back to work, trying to control the tears by the time I get back to my office.  I still have 6 hours before I can go home, lay in bed with my cat and watch period dramas.

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8 Responses to Decisions Made……

  1. servetus says:

    Hope you’re okay.
    I’ve always thought that women should have an opt-out button. At the point at which you realize you don’t need those things, you push the button and they disintegrate without negative effect.
    Thinking of you.

    • triski73 says:

      Hi, Serv. i am good. Just waiting patiently for surgery in about a month. I had a conversation with my step-sister a couple of nights ago & it made me want to write. I have been struggling to get back into writing, but last night it just came to me. Thought I would post it on my neglected blog. I LOVE your opt out idea! Can it please just disintigrate into thin air? LOL. Sadly I am pretty excited to have the extended period off from work! 😉 thanks much for the good thoughts!

    • zan says:

      LOL serv! *POOF* All gone!

  2. april73 says:

    I’m not sure that I have understand everything properly (English is not my mother tongue), but I hope that you’re ok now. 🙂

  3. triski says:

    I am good. Just something to get me started writing. I have a surgery in about a month, but at least I will be off through the rest of the year! 🙂

  4. zan says:

    I just went down this road … the tests, procedures, etc. I was fortunate not to need the surgery. But I truly understand the stress and the tears. Sparky sounds like an amazing husband. (I have one, too. 😀 ).

    Keep us posted on how you’re doing. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. And I’ll be just –> this much <– envious of you being off from work for the rest of the year! 🙂 Think of all the time you'll have to blog!!! LOL!

    • triski says:

      I am looking forward to the time off. And everytime that I think I have come to terms with the end of my child bearing opportunity, something brings it all back up again. Something as simple as my baby picture…just crazy. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, we just may not know or understand the reason for a long while afterwards.

      • zan says:

        I’m a firm believer in that same mantra, triski. Everything happens for a reason. Absolutely everything. Hang in there. And if you ever need to “talk” … I’m just an email away. 🙂

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